I'm an idiot
You probably already know this but I'm an idiot. I don't think I have any common sense. Laurel and I had dinner at a friend's house in Snoqualmie, out in the country, and on the way there my gas light went on. I'm used to that light appearing (and also hearing that beep that sounds so much like my pager) and it usually means that I can still go to and from work at least one more time. So, I was thinking that I would pull off the highway and get gas only if I saw a quick and easy place to get it. That didn't appear on the way there, neither did it on the way back. As I'm travelling down I-90 I can see the gas gauge go where I've never seen it go before and I was getting worried but not panicing yet because the second beep beep hadn't happened yet. As I turn onto I-5 I feel the car jerk a little bit and some of the power goes away, so I'm like "Oh shit, I should probably turn off at the James St. exit and get gas there". I'm in the lane for the exit, right above Jackson St. and I car's engine just stops. I'm able to pull in even closer and turn on my blinkers. I don't have my cell phone because it's Saturday night and I don't want people from work getting ahold of me. The whole reason I bought a cell phone in the first place was to have it for situations like this. Laurel doesn't have her cell phone either. Fuck. I get out of the car and Laurel stays behind.
Now, I'm actually on a viaduct so I have to walk on the tiny curb of the freeway until I get to land where I (in perfect Guido smartness) decide that it will be safer to walk around the grassy areas off the highway. Now, these are the same grassy areas that some of us from work have been known to use as shortcuts and see people smoking crack during the day. So I start up the hill and I see someone smoking crack who looks at me like I don't belong there. Maybe it was the Banana Republic cashmere turtleneck sweater that gave it away. So, I turn around and make my way down the grassy hill and the dude says something to me which I can't make out but it's probably something like "Be carefull of the thorn bushes and there's a fence down there" because I slip several times down the hill on the slightly wet leaves of the thorn plants and catch my self from slipping further by using the friction of my sensitive skin and the thorns as they make their way deep into my hand. A few cuts and scrapes aren't gonna stop me. I'm on a mission.
So, at the bottom of the hill there are a few fences. One with very pointy wires on the top and one with not as pointy, but still pointy wires at the top. I try to climb the better one but I can't get my shoes through the holes. It's as if they designed the fence to keep people from getting by it, hmmm.... So, use my weight to bend the fence down as much as possible and then I throw myself over it. Ouch. I don't think it was made for people to climb over it.
So, I'm now walking down Jackson St. with cuts and bruises and at least a few thorns still in my hand and I decide to walk to work, it's only 4 blocks away. So, I'm in a hurry and my arms are wailing along and some drunk people mock me. Not a good start to my adventure. So, I finally get to work and convince the security guard that I am an Amazon.com employee and that I need to use his phone to call AAA. So I first try 1-800-CALL-AAA, seems reasonable right? It's a busy signal. How can AAA have a busy signal. So I find AAA in the phone book but it's only the local number, which I try and nobody answers. Unfortunately my AAA card is in the car because I like having a thin wallet and that extra card is just way too much to carry around all the time. So, screw that. So I think to myself that I should just goto James St. gas station and buy a can of gas. So I make my way up 5th Ave. to James and then up that fucking huge hill praying to the god that I don't believe in for the gas station to sell gas cans. I get there and they do. So I buy the can and a gallon of gas for about $6 and start my trek back to the car.
On my way back to the car I get a few honks, probably by drunk people making fun of my stupidity. It turns out to still be quite a hike down the highway to the car. I get to the car and see Laurel who is worry and I don't say much because I just want to get the gas in the tank and the car started so we can get the fuck out of dodge. So, the stupid gas can has a nozzle that doesn't fit very well and I end up pouring about half of the gas down the side of the car. Oh well, let's see what happens. I try starting the car and I get about 5 feet before it stalls again, this time the car is further out on the lane. Fuck. I ask her for her AAA Card but she doesn't have it because she doesn't have her wallet with her, she must have left it at home. Laurel begins to tear up a little. I find my card. We get out the car and walk back down the freeway to the gas station, this time with the AAA Card. Fuck. 1-800-AAA-HELP. Fuck. Goto the phone call them, they're on their way, get back to the car, wait about ten minutes, cop comes by says we'll get killed if we stay there so we get in the car, put it in neutral and he pushes us down the highway to James St. The AAA dude was right behind him. I hand the AAA dude $5 and he puts a couple of gallons of gas in the tank and we're off. Five bucks. That's it. That's all it would have cost me if I had had my cell phone in the car.
Now, I'm actually on a viaduct so I have to walk on the tiny curb of the freeway until I get to land where I (in perfect Guido smartness) decide that it will be safer to walk around the grassy areas off the highway. Now, these are the same grassy areas that some of us from work have been known to use as shortcuts and see people smoking crack during the day. So I start up the hill and I see someone smoking crack who looks at me like I don't belong there. Maybe it was the Banana Republic cashmere turtleneck sweater that gave it away. So, I turn around and make my way down the grassy hill and the dude says something to me which I can't make out but it's probably something like "Be carefull of the thorn bushes and there's a fence down there" because I slip several times down the hill on the slightly wet leaves of the thorn plants and catch my self from slipping further by using the friction of my sensitive skin and the thorns as they make their way deep into my hand. A few cuts and scrapes aren't gonna stop me. I'm on a mission.
So, at the bottom of the hill there are a few fences. One with very pointy wires on the top and one with not as pointy, but still pointy wires at the top. I try to climb the better one but I can't get my shoes through the holes. It's as if they designed the fence to keep people from getting by it, hmmm.... So, use my weight to bend the fence down as much as possible and then I throw myself over it. Ouch. I don't think it was made for people to climb over it.
So, I'm now walking down Jackson St. with cuts and bruises and at least a few thorns still in my hand and I decide to walk to work, it's only 4 blocks away. So, I'm in a hurry and my arms are wailing along and some drunk people mock me. Not a good start to my adventure. So, I finally get to work and convince the security guard that I am an Amazon.com employee and that I need to use his phone to call AAA. So I first try 1-800-CALL-AAA, seems reasonable right? It's a busy signal. How can AAA have a busy signal. So I find AAA in the phone book but it's only the local number, which I try and nobody answers. Unfortunately my AAA card is in the car because I like having a thin wallet and that extra card is just way too much to carry around all the time. So, screw that. So I think to myself that I should just goto James St. gas station and buy a can of gas. So I make my way up 5th Ave. to James and then up that fucking huge hill praying to the god that I don't believe in for the gas station to sell gas cans. I get there and they do. So I buy the can and a gallon of gas for about $6 and start my trek back to the car.
On my way back to the car I get a few honks, probably by drunk people making fun of my stupidity. It turns out to still be quite a hike down the highway to the car. I get to the car and see Laurel who is worry and I don't say much because I just want to get the gas in the tank and the car started so we can get the fuck out of dodge. So, the stupid gas can has a nozzle that doesn't fit very well and I end up pouring about half of the gas down the side of the car. Oh well, let's see what happens. I try starting the car and I get about 5 feet before it stalls again, this time the car is further out on the lane. Fuck. I ask her for her AAA Card but she doesn't have it because she doesn't have her wallet with her, she must have left it at home. Laurel begins to tear up a little. I find my card. We get out the car and walk back down the freeway to the gas station, this time with the AAA Card. Fuck. 1-800-AAA-HELP. Fuck. Goto the phone call them, they're on their way, get back to the car, wait about ten minutes, cop comes by says we'll get killed if we stay there so we get in the car, put it in neutral and he pushes us down the highway to James St. The AAA dude was right behind him. I hand the AAA dude $5 and he puts a couple of gallons of gas in the tank and we're off. Five bucks. That's it. That's all it would have cost me if I had had my cell phone in the car.
4 Comments:
damn. i was just picturing the ID on a saturday night. shady.
-bhanoo
Is it ok that I laughed out loud when I read this?
- korwin
Oh Guido, this is really funny. Sure got me to laughing!
yup guido you are a dumbass thats why you get a pager 4 work and use your cell for otherstuff or see if yer work will give ya another cell btw when is yer sisters graduation...
-dragon
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